dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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