I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
