Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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