the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
