She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
