Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
