I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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