So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
