whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
