my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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