I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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