Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
