proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
