Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
