You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My ATM looks so different sober.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
