There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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