Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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