I wish life had little blips of pornography
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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