dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
