we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
