I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
