I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
even my farts smell like vagina
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
