I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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