god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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