Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
