But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
