i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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