tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
