i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
