I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
