I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
