I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
