new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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