he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
