Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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