im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
