why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
