Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
