Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
