i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
