update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
