i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
