The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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