I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
