nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
