You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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