I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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