please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
