i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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