I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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